all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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