you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Help. Why am I so naked?
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