I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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