I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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