lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize