If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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