I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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