Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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