Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize