I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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