after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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