I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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