Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the day after is always just damage control
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
