That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
