Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
