Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
