i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
