I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
