i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize