It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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