Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
