i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
