Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
