P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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