You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
