1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You just made me feel so damn special
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
