i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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