Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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