its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
