I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
