sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
