we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
