so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
