You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
