did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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