I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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