What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
