so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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