I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
why do cheetos always look like penises
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
