Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
