Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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