Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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