I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
