I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
