I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Two words: blizzard sex
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
