my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
