youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
