3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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