I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
