i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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