just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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