life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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