he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
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