Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
