Jerry, you need to find god
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize