i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize