i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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