Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
