At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
This baby is an asshole
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
