my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
