My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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