Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize