just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize